Dear future husband... femininity and strength...

Dear future husband,

My mother is the strongest woman I know and I spent many of my formative years emulating her strength.  What I failed to notice was her softness.  Her strength was easy to see, in the way that she walked away from everything she knew to give us both a better life.  Me and her, a formidable team.  I cherished this quality in her as it changed the course of my life.  So different that what it could have been – it gave me opportunities and safety and love.

But in this focus on cultivating strength, I kept people at a distance, including her.  It wasn’t until a month before my 36th birthday that I found the means of letting go of this need to control.  Instantly a weight lifted from me and the love radiated freely – finally – from my open heart.  Selflessly and there was power in my vulnerability.  Softness.

I have come to love myself this past year.  The ability I’ve gained to roll with life’s punches knowing that the universe has a higher purpose for me if I just let myself be guided, relinquish control and be fully here and now.  Present.  I have stopped holding onto the past, stopped living solely for the future and I’m happy truly in this moment even in the face of constant and unrelenting change.  I can embrace the hurdles that life throws in my path because I am full of gratitude and surround by love.  My belief in myself buoyed by my friends and family who believe in me all the same. 

When times get tough though I sometimes revert back to my strongest self.  Standing solo because I know that I have and will survive this way – on my own –as I have for so many years.  Know though that I don’t want to push people away anymore – I’m learning that receiving the strength and support of others is necessary for navigating the struggles of life.  Be there beside me even if I resist, hold my hand and remind me that I am not alone.  Wrap your arms around me and remind me that I am safe and loved.  You are my rock, my partner.  Lend me your strength so I don’t lose my sense of self, my femininity, my grace.

All my love,

J.