Dear future husband,
My mother is the strongest woman I know and I spent many of my formative years emulating her strength. What I failed to notice was her softness. Her strength was easy to see, in the way that she walked away from everything she knew to give us both a better life. Me and her, a formidable team. I cherished this quality in her as it changed the course of my life. So different that what it could have been – it gave me opportunities and safety and love.
But in this focus on cultivating strength, I kept people at a distance, including her. It wasn’t until a month before my 36th birthday that I found the means of letting go of this need to control. Instantly a weight lifted from me and the love radiated freely – finally – from my open heart. Selflessly and there was power in my vulnerability. Softness.
I have come to love myself this past year. The ability I’ve gained to roll with life’s punches knowing that the universe has a higher purpose for me if I just let myself be guided, relinquish control and be fully here and now. Present. I have stopped holding onto the past, stopped living solely for the future and I’m happy truly in this moment even in the face of constant and unrelenting change. I can embrace the hurdles that life throws in my path because I am full of gratitude and surround by love. My belief in myself buoyed by my friends and family who believe in me all the same.
When times get tough though I sometimes revert back to my strongest self. Standing solo because I know that I have and will survive this way – on my own –as I have for so many years. Know though that I don’t want to push people away anymore – I’m learning that receiving the strength and support of others is necessary for navigating the struggles of life. Be there beside me even if I resist, hold my hand and remind me that I am not alone. Wrap your arms around me and remind me that I am safe and loved. You are my rock, my partner. Lend me your strength so I don’t lose my sense of self, my femininity, my grace.
All my love,