Thank you for letting me go...

Dear S,

This letter is long overdue, and I know this because I feel resistance still toward you when I see you around.  I don’t want the gap to exist between us even as I know we may never get back to the place we used to have.  But still I need to let go.

I remember it all so clearly still even as I realize that your thoughts may be entirely different, filtered through our unique perspectives.

Your message hurt me at a time I was already quite raw and processing why people always left, picked someone or something better over me.  I was reaching a point in my journey where I had finally found enough love for myself that I no longer wanted to tolerate such actions, especially from a trusted friend.  And so I walked away.

A simple message of having to cancel because of an old friend in town was so much more to me because it left me on my own once again.  There wasn’t any indication of an intention to reschedule or make time in the future but rather just an “I’m busy” and “I’ll see you around sometime” and that hurt.  Stung amid the fears I was working so hard already to vanquish. 

I was over having people who made commitments and then bailed at the 11th hour.  I was tired of not having time being a so commonly accepted excuse when it’s bullshit – there’s the same amount of time in everyone’s day it’s just a matter of how you choose to fill those hours and you made a choice not to include me in yours. 

For so long I’d try and push and weasel my way into peoples space and though they’d concede for a time ultimately it would be a one way street and I got tired of asking – it just happened to be your message on that day that told me enough was enough.  And so I walked away and you never looked back.

Months later I realized that I had been deleted on facebook without a second glance which further enforced my feelings and makes it hard still to befriend you again, fearful of patterns repeated and so I keep my distance.

Our circles lately though are overlapping, your face within my periphery more regularly and I’m tired of holding on to this rejection.  So I’m letting it go and saying thank you.  Thank you for walking out of my life when you did, for reminding me that some people -  however beautiful – are only in our lives for a short period of time to teach us the lessons we need and give us the support to carry on. 

That their leaving isn’t a mark on ourselves but rather an indication that the message has been delivered and that space is being created for better things to come and so many great things have come to me since that fateful message. 

So thank you my once dear friend.  Thank you for letting me go for reasons only you will ever understand – for letting me go even though it hurt me for a time and I’ve carried the resistance for far too long.  I’m letting go now and living only in the thankfulness that resides.

With love,

J.