Chasing Love

You know that girl – the one flirting with all the boys (taken or not), the one being loud and boisterous and screaming for attention in anyway she can?  The one you probably find annoying or that seems to be trying too hard – the one you’re slightly put off by?

We have all been around someone like that, if not been one ourselves – I know I was.  For the longest time I was doing any and everything to get people to notice me.  It took on many unflattering forms – boasting about my achievements, poking and prodding of those around me, chasing the wrong guys, getting angered by little things, fighting for control – so many negative actions.  I was unhappy.

It’s easy for me now to notice that girl I mentioned above – in fact there is one I come across often lately – and I’ve heard the unflattering response to her actions from others around me. I however empathise with that girl – for having once been her but also for understanding her.

What I know as truth is that her actions – all of them – stem from a lack of self-belief.  A lack of self love – she needs people to see her – in any way she can get them too – it’s why the flirting often works the best.  She needs external validation of her beauty – both inside and out – because she can’t see it on her own.  She looks in the mirror and doesn’t like much about her, not when she is truly honest about it.  When she’s left to spend time alone in the quiet she can’t stand to listen to her internal dialogue beating her up. 

And so she seeks from others what she can’t find in herself – loudly, aggressively, hopelessly, fleetingly.

Hopelessly.  Fleetingly.

Hopelessly - it will never be enough, she’ll need constant resupply of all those things she lacks within herself, hearing it often but never believing it in times that the focus is elsewhere. 

Fleetingly – as the people who turn their attention toward her just as quickly move on to something else, their lives continuing on with ease – without her.

The only way to overcome her yearning, her need for this attention is to sit in that quiet that she can’t yet stand.  To listen to her voice, the bully inside her and shut it down.  She needs to find the smallest thing to love about herself, to believe that what others keep telling her is indeed true and to trust.  To trust in her beauty, to find love herself – alone. 

Only then will she be able to enjoy life, to sit back and revel in joy and happiness around her.  To understand that next girl – still young and unknowing and shouting for others to look at her.  To realise how far she has come since she found herself.

It’s a tough journey, one filled with lots of introspection and vulnerability.  A place that’s sometimes lonely but also freeing – letting go of the weight that you don’t realize you’re carrying.  It’s a road that needs to be travelled alone while finding support and love in those closest to your heart.  It’s an adventure deep within to find a place so peaceful and full of eternal love.  It isn’t easy but it is most definitely worth it.