Change the words... Change your life

It took me 35 years to find happiness, to believe I was worthy of everything good and deserving of all that I desired.  It took me 2 more to find the love of my life, the man who I’d dreamed of for so many years before, who loved me for exactly who I was, am and will be.  It wasn’t always easy.

The first man who ever broke my heart was my biological father – father being hardly the right word.  It wasn’t when he hit my mother as I sat witness as a 2 year old or that he killed our dog feeding it poison in front of me.  No, my heart wasn’t broken for another 5 years when he was well and truly gone from my life, when I was old enough to fully understand. 

I found a note scribbled in blue ink that he gave to my mother at some point during those in between years – a note that said “I don’t want her”.  So simply stated and yet it was a sentiment that would live in my subconscious for years before I understood where it came from, how it got planted so firmly in my soul.  How those words ruled my belief of being unworthy – unworthy of people staying with me, unworthy of being noticed, unworthy of being loved.

I was unworthy of being loved.

Was this true?  Not at all.  My life was full of people who loved me and yet lodged in the darkest parts of my being I was living from a place of fear – fear that if my biological father could walk out then why not everyone else, it would only be a matter of time.

And so I pushed instead.

In those 35 years before I reconciled those words – saw them for only what they were rather than the story I formed around them – I was living from a state of fear not a place of love.  My fear made me test everyone who ever held meaning to me and if they stayed the first time, or first dozen times I’d keep pushing until the truth I so believed came true – after all, everyone has their breaking points. 

I believed in something so strongly that I made it come true over and over and over again.

Sure, there were lovers in my life long before my husband walked in, one innocent young love before I even understood what love meant.  The one that lasted for years, a constant push and pull – him being the perfect mirror for all the things I had yet to learn, him seeing my beauty and grace long before I could ever recognize it on my own.  An illicit affair that was as close to true love as it could be given the circumstances, the fleeting time together and the promise of it never being real. 

That was the last one before the big one.  I recall the words that man left me with, the ones I still carry close to my heart – as I revealed my deepest secrets to him in the corners of dimly lit bars and twisted hotel room sheets he simply said “let yourself be loved”.

Let yourself be loved.

And so I replaced those words my 7 year old self read to words heard more clearly from a man that loved my 33 year old self.  “I don’t want her” became “let yourself be loved” and it changed my world forever.

I fell in love, first with myself and those closest to me and in time to a beautiful man who got to see the real me, to fall in love with me and to love me.

I let myself be loved.

This is me

I am an enchanting and amazing woman.

I am not always going to be easy but I am worth it.

I have a heart of gold; I think too much; I see all sides to a story.

I have a strong intuition and can know a persons true character in an instant.

I am learning to listen to my gut and dismiss the negative voices in my head.

I am strong both physically and mentally and in knowing who I am.

I yearn for adventures and opportunities to learn and grow.

I think the world is mine to discover and I’ve already seen a large part of it.

I am a girl who moved half way around the world to a place I’d never been because the opportunity presented itself.

And I fell in love with the man perfect for me because of it.

I am emotional and I care deeply for everything that holds meaning in my life.

I hide my hurt well though I’m starting to trust in vulnerability and revealing all of me.

I am independent – an only child – who has learned to stand on my own and take care of myself.

But I found a husband who stands with me and who I’ve learned to let take care of me too.

I am learning to use my words rather than running from people, to speak up for myself for I deserve the best.

I finally learned to say I love you, out loud, to the people in my life that matter the most, knowing that the words are freeing rather than terrifying and that even when they are not returned I find strength in my capacity to feel.

I trust in the Universe to guide me along this road of life and even the bumps along the way bring a greater good in the end.

I can adapt well and have a knack for just figuring things out.

I believe in myself and know the right people come into my life at the right time to teach me and guide me and to support and nurture me though they might not stay forever.

I care with all my being and would sacrifice myself for the ones I love – friends and family alike.

I am a giver and though I find it hard sometimes to receive I have learned to say thank you with grace knowing that the act of receiving is really a gift to the giver.

I speak the truth or my version of it.

I love the woman I have grown into, comfortable finally in my skin.

I am sometimes impatient, incorrigible and unrelenting but I am also beautiful, compassionate and intelligent.

Mostly though, after all these years I am happy.

Be the girl who... loves herself

Be the girl who loves herself.

The girl who can confidently hold her ground, who knows who she is and also who she isn’t.

Be the girl who sees the choices before her, no right or wrong just paths opening up – a left or a right, a fork in the road, straight ahead – getting her to exactly where she needs to be.

The girl confident enough to walk on her own, to discover the world staying true to herself while still being wide open to adventures.  Options.

Be the girl who moves halfway around the world – alone – if she chooses, if her heart leads her in the direction – even if she is terrified of the very idea.  Embrace it. 

Nurture the fear – hold its hand and take it with you if you must but don’t let it stop you.  Don’t let it hold you back, or worse, retreat from this glorious place you have found – the one where you’re happy in your own skin, content with the world around you, comfortable in all the choices you have made.

Know that you can stand here, confident in yourself and choose, keep choosing, keep changing your mind if it suits you, keep being you – keep trusting in your souls knowing and following your hearts desire – choose yourself.

Choose for your self respect, for your self love.  Choose to look inside, letting your body, mind and soul reconnect – to become one, become whole again.

Keep deciding day after day to follow what makes you happy.

Be the girl who loves herself enough to have thoughts and ideas, opinions and dreams – though they may rattle the crowds, stand up anyway, firm in what you believe – true to yourself.

Be the girl who knows that someone else’s rejection isn’t a reflection of her but merely a projection of what they are going through, their own journey that they must reconcile with themselves.

Be the girl who can be happy on her own but can also grow with someone else by her side without losing herself in the process.  The girl who knows what she wants and what she’s willing to compromise on.

Be the girl who loves herself enough to be happy in the face of all of life’s challenges and speed bumps. 

Be the girl who loves herself.